This past December 1st was the one year anniversary of one my sweet friends passing. A little over a year ago she crossed through Heaven’s gate and today is her 2nd birthday in Heaven. I miss her regularly, I think of her daily, and I will forever regret every single chance to make plans or hangout or just chat, that I missed with her due to busy lives, crowded calendars, and best intentions…..
I am a natural introvert and this means, for me, that no matter how much I love to be around some people, my initial reaction to leaving my “comfort & recharge zone” to socialize is to find a way to avoid it…….especially if doing so means being around MANY people. Ironically I met this sweet friend I am speaking of at a moms group I once regularly attended with an average of 75 other moms every week. I started going to this moms group about nine years ago as a way to force myself out of my box. Socializing has never really been easy for me or comes naturally, but being in a big family developed in me early the natural skills I needed to fight my instincts. This moms group was, at that time, my weekly dose of forced social interaction that I knew I needed to squeeze in around an already busy life as a newer wife & pregnant mother of 2 who still was working full time.
Fast forward, I had been attending this moms group for a few years, pretty obediently to God (because most weeks I got into my van afterward and cried or went home and napped my free time away as a result of me not understanding myself enough to recognize my introverted needs or desires). Though I knew God wanted me there, I was still holding out for a natural friendship. One that didn’t feel forced or like I was trying too hard…..
Now I want to pause here & dig into this point a little bit, to attempt to be sure no feelings get hurt. I had met MANY incredibly sweet women at this group up to that point, ladies who encouraged me to relax & enjoy my time at group, friends who had begun inviting me to get-togethers and play dates, ears to listen, hearts to pray, and mentors who helped me and my family through difficult times, BUT in most of these encounters (as with most of my social interactions), I was not in a naturally peaceful place in my head and so many of these incredible memories that I have from that time are handcuffed with anxious over analysis of every minute. This isn’t a reflection of any of these other sweet women I had met in the first few years of my attendance at this group. Rather, I look at it as a result of me still being in the middle of Gods awakening of my true spirit and understanding of myself. With this in mind, back to the story…
I was still holding out for a natural friendship. One that didn’t feel forced or like I was trying too hard. I had almost decided to stop going to the group altogether, to stop the battle it caused in my brain, but my heart knew God still wanted me there, so I committed to another session, picked out a book from the list of choices and wound up so very thankful I was obedient once more. It was in that session that I met this sweet friend.
Immediately I knew she would be different, and our small talk in our book groups left me excited for a friendship to blossom. Over the next few years, we enjoyed small group time, the occasional playdate, ladies night or family get together, and we even enjoyed a few weekend escapes by way of church retreats & camping trips. Though we didn’t have the kind of friendship that texted regularly or talked on the phone for hours, we always managed to sneak some small but meaningful chats into our time together, no matter how many other people were there. It was a natural friendship. One that didn’t feel forced or like I was trying too hard….. A year before her cancer diagnosis I was blessed to walk through a season of pregnancy side by side with her. So many sweet memories to cherish but unfortunately, now that she is gone I am more aware than ever of every missed opportunity my insecurities cost me while she was here.
Now, every time I want to let my insecurities hold me back from something, I think of this sweet friend and try to reevaluate my decision. She was such an inspiration to me in the fun, confident way that she lived her life. She was so full of life and love. We shared some similarities we had discovered in our childhoods and coming to Jesus stories and this allowed her to understand me in a way that comforted me in our friendship. Her diagnosis shocked everyone in her life, she lived a very fit and active life and more times than I can count, I would see her posting on her social media about some fun and exciting way she was making memories with her many other friends and family. From running marathons and competing in tough mudder style events, to snowboarding and kayaking, she was always doing something active and I always thought, “If I could just start small, maybe someday I could run a race with her…”. Sadly this is an area I always let my insecurities get in the way of and fitness isn’t my natural comfort zone, so I missed out big time. I wasted too much time, this I will now forever regret. Change needs to happen for me, now in this area.
As I approached the 1 year anniversary of her passing this past December, I became aware of a small high blood pressure problem I am currently having. I have never struggled in this area before, even throughout all 4 of my pregnancies, it was never even the slightest concern for my doctors. Apparently, I underestimated the ability prolonged stress has to increase your blood pressure. My diet is mostly fine, but my stress levels and lack of fitness are both beginning to slowly cause a problem in my health. It is because of this, that I have decided to take a BIG leap out of my comfort zone and get a gym membership to begin working on this blood pressure problem in a twofold approach. Improve my fitness and also hopefully begin to prioritize myself to begin easing my stress load.
After coming to this decision and deciding to make the commitment to myself and my new gym, I decided today would be the perfect day to begin this journey. I am scared of the gym, I am scared of exercise, I am scared of failing myself and failing to meet my own expectations, but more than any of that, I am scared of wasting more of the precious time I am blessed with here on earth by just being content to physically exist. My body needs a wakeup call and with my sweet friend as inspiration, I will celebrate her birthday by winning this small battle against my insecurities and fears. I am still working every day on my social insecurities and anxieties, but today I will add a new layer to that journey as I head to the gym for my very 1st gym workout in over a decade.
I plan to journal blog my way through this fitness journey and I hope you will follow along. It may not be a perfectly pretty one but it’s time to get my own “Revenge Body” and I plan to do my best to dazzle through this journey. This journey will be one where I avenge myself & redeem myself at the same time. Avenge the fearful part of me that puts myself last on the priority list AND to redeem the version of myself that God wants me to be. Wish me luck!
As always, thanks for reading and go be fabulous & dazzle your way through life!
~Rebecca
The Dazzling Domestic Dreamer 