Heartbroken….

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Today my world was flipped upside down by addiction. The evil that grabs ahold of someone at their core and perpetually nags at them telling them they will never be better than the broken addicted body their spirit lies buried within. Today I lost a loved one, a kindred “son” of sorts, a surrogate uncle to my children, a brother, the 1st man other than her daddy to earn the lovable childish heart of my oldest daughter back when she was barely a year old.

Today I lost a dear, dear friend and I am heartbroken……

Broken from a life riddled with painful heartbreak, far out reaching the grasp of the child he was when it began, and far outreaching the teen & young man he became while trying to learn how to cope……..or not cope in some ways. Having lost both parents and his older brother all of separate tragedies, he was no stranger to pain and subsequently had his weaknesses because of that pain.

I knew a different man though, a man who loved a good time and had the ability to just make you laugh so deep you felt like you’d just had a workout. A man who had the biggest heart that was made of gold. A man who would be silly  and play tea parties with my little girls if they asked sweet enough. A man who paid me, singlehandedly, the most calming compliment I received on my wedding day moments before he stood with my husband while I walked down the aisle.

I knew a man who really only ever wanted a family, to play softball and to make people smile & feel better after having been with him. A man who as great as he was, was also equally humble in that he had no real grasp on how awesome and big an impact he had on those he encountered. A man who because of the tragedy that had faced him from a young age, knew to cherish his moments, to love those that he did deeply, and to let the people he cared about know he cared, DAILY and then some. He searched for genuine soul filling love above everything and I feel confident he achieved that, though sadly cut far too short by his pain.

Today I lost a very dear, dear friend and I am heartbroken……

I am heartbroken he fell into the trap, the disease, the pure evil that is addiction……

I am heartbroken he felt that was his easiest option to dull the pain……

I am heartbroken I couldn’t be there for him more in his weakest moments because of how well he isolated himself from us……

I am heartbroken he made certain other “friendships” and “relationships” that only further tore him down emotionally and exploited his weaknesses……

I am heartbroken he never realized or could fully appreciate how much love he brought to those closest to him……

I am heartbroken he is gone, that I will never again hug him or exchange our silly banter……

I am heartbroken I can never tell him again how much I loved him and how big a peice of my world that he was……

I am heartbroken……

But though I am heartbroken, I am heartbroken with a mission now……

Addiction. Though I can not change his fate, though I can’t  bring him back, I can’t make him stay at our house instead of backing out of our driveway that last night, I WILL honor him in everything from this moment forward.

Addiction is everywhere and can silently haunt anyone. Please be vigilant in your relationships to see deeper as to not miss the signs. Be loving and not judging, and be present in your friendships and not just focused on your own “friend agenda” because  the friends that need us most are most often the ones too broken to ask for help and too shamed to think you would care…

I will honor him…..I will remember him…..I will always love him & carry him with me and I will learn to live with this broken heart… ..because addiction blows!

Go forth in love.

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